I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I am naked and annoyed.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
