I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
