You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
