my vag is so smooth its legendary
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
