I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
