We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
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