You're a womanizer and a bitch.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
