You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize