I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
