you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
