is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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