I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize