it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
