alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
