I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
