put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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