My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Randomize
