Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
