my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
