You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
