you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
