Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
