I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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