No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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