I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
literally had 100 drinks last night.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
