He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Oh god it's open bar.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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