so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
