Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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