Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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