I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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