No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
