I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
