I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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