1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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