Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize