i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
