I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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