so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
