Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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