just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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