but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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