My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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