Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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