you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
