WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
