i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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