I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
