when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
