I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
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