you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
