Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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