If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
