if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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