I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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