I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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