What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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