why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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