Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize