I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
