Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
