Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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