Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
