hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
